God's timetable.

I'm gonna try to not make this really long. I have too much on my mind, heart, and soul that if you got me started, I'd never shut up.

Let's just say this... not a fan, God. Not a fan of your timetables.  not a fan.

To try and make this short so you don't get my emotional blabber... let's just say I get this beautiful sign this morning that I'm not crazy and the things I believe will come to pass. And I was so happy. Inexplainable happy. Had literally no words to explain how I felt.... and that says something!

And then, later in the day.... fate has to remind me that it is still not time for that to pass.  I'd like to say that all those years I prayed for God to answer me if it was going to happen or not, and then getting an answer (numerous times) would make it easier.
I wish it was easier.  It really isn't.   I know you're thinking, "ooh but I'd love to have an answer... then I could just be living in faith!" Right... exactly. So you know it's coming. So you're waiting and looking every single day. and every day it doesn't happen, a little piece of your heart breaks.  And you don't know how one heart can break that much over something that is GOING TO HAPPEN.  like get over it, heart.
But it doesn't happen. But it's SO close you can feel it. And it's right there, you can literally almost touch it. And nothing happens. Something always keeps you from it.
Just right out of your fingertips.  It's walking towards you, and something keeps it from you.
And you're upset and you're walking back to your car (oh no, this isn't personal at all...) and then it drives past you.. if you walked slower, the truck would have had to stop or slow down to not hit you. THAT CLOSE.  and still nothing.
so you try not to cry, pray God would rip out your heart. So you don't have to feel the hurt since it's stillll not time.  Oh when is it time!?!?!
I'll always wait. It's that important to me.. but damn. someone rip out my heart, please.

Not to be dramatic, but please. rip it out. I'd rather wait without it. Especially if it's gonna be another 15 years..... just put me in a coma. haha for real.


so ya. not a fan, God.  Not a fan at all.  I know it's gonna happen, but really.... don't be such a tease about it.