Tuesday, November 24, 2009

So Selfish

For some reason, I cannot shake this selfishness. I'm liek "WHY WHY WHY" to God asking why things aren't moving the way I'd like for them to. And it's SO annoying because I wasn't like this a few months ago. I was happy and cheerful, looking to the future with hopeful eyes. Saying "its ok if it takes a little longer, its still coming"
i'm so annoyed as i write this, its like my heart's just been turned off. It has no say in anything. All I can hear is my stupid head that doesn't say anything smart at all. And I know I can't trust it. (your head is the biggest liar there is) But i can't hear anything else. Where's the 2nd opinion?
I feel ... like nothing except this stupid selfish. So its just "wah...me next please?"

I miss feeling grateful and excited. Even the days where I was sad, I felt like I had something to fight for. I feel sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo far away from my dreams that I can't see the hope. Why? Where did it go? VACATION!?!?!?

like you'd think I'd be sitting here frowing and grumbling, I'm not. I'm like "blah"... I feel almost nothing. Even though my head is just pouting and grumbling, you'd never see it on my face.
I've just come to the point where I don't care. And its so annoying. I think I brought it upon myself. Hearing all these songs about feeling numb and they'd rather feel pain. and i was like "OHH NO! I'd rather feel nothing"
hmmmm maybe i wouldn't. cuz its like you have no fight, no drive to do anything. you just really don't care.
I miss the hopeful person. it took her like 26 years to get here and then she's just snatched away from me in like a week. wtf. i am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO sick and tired of pouting. I hate it. I was finally getting to the point where life had meaning and now i'm like "..."
my head goes "what about me?"
my heart goes "................"
and its like I've been reading that boring ole book "The Purpose Driven Life" and i can't feel that either. All my hope is gone. I try to tell myself "don't trust your feelings" but i just don't care. pfft
i'm trying to get my feelings back, but they won't come. i just feel like a blown egg. a shell on the outside, no one can tell, that your just empty inside.
i hate feeling fake. and that's exactly what i feel like.

and then that stupid head of mine, won't shut up either. its like trying to make me sad, and somedays it works but not all. bleh
i'm shutting up now

Friday, October 30, 2009

songs for Zac (the reasons why)

Songs for Zac.

(Disclaimer: most of these songs are sung by men. So when the lyrics go “oh girl” or something like that, please note, I do NOT think you are girly in any way! I just appreciate male singers better. And these songs just fit what I’m trying to say. So change it in your head to “oh boy” or something like that!!! :) )

“Waiting for a star to fall” – Boy Meets Girl

I picked this song because of the lyrics. If you really listen to them it makes a lot of sense in the way I feel about you. Its talking about how he wants this girl (remember to flip that around haha) and he’s waiting for her for a long time and nothing’s happening. But he keeps waiting and his feelings are growing stronger because “that’s where you belong in my arms, baby yeah”. He feels like something is gonna happen from it, no matter how unrealistic it looks

“Standing Right In Front of You” – Keith Urban

Well I had to pick this song, because well I’ve been to quite a few of your shows and met you .. .ohhh like 8-10 times and yet there are so many times you never remember me. And I know you meet lots of people all the time, so I don’t take it to heart. But sometimes the thing that might be good for you, has been there all the time and you never see it. Just saying ;) Be sure and pay attention to the lyrics on this one!

“I Believe in a Thing Called Love” – The Darkness

haha ok well this is just a fun song. And we have to have some upbeat songs that say “hey I have a crush on you!” So just rock out to this one, Zac.

“Let My Love Open the Door” – Pete Townsend

Here’s another great song. As much as I care for you I would NEVER want you to get hurt, but if anyone ever does hurt you, I will be there for you. If you’re willing to trust again. :)

“I’ve Got My Mind Set on You” – George Harrison

haha dang man.. this song fits every word!!!! EVERY WORD. So just listen to lyrics and enjoy it, it’s a good song! :) (Oh ps, have you ever seen this video? Haha omg its so funny)

“Cha Cha” – Tinted Windows

Now, I had some hesitation putting this one on, because well… your brother’s singing it. Haha That might be weird, I hope it’s not! But anyway, I picked this song, because it’s a really fun song. And I’m not exactly sure what a cha cha is, but I always sing this song to you when I’m rocking out to it. Zac, you’re my cha cha. And whether that’s a pom-pom or a funny feeling in your tummy….I’m not sure. :) haha but its all good.

“You Make Me Feel Like Dancing” – Leo Sayer

Oh boy! I loveee this song. :) It reminds me of you almost more than any other song on the list! Haha I cannot tell you, how many times (as dorky as this is gonna sound) I see you and I’ll just go skipping around the house or dancing around like a fool. There’s something about you that puts a HUGE smile on my face. I just have to go dancing on the moon! :) :) :) :) :)

“Stuck in the Middle With You” – Steeler’s Wheel

Now, I do not dedicate this song to you. So why put it on the list? Well, the first time I met you on August 5, 2004 when we went to take our picture, you started singing the chorus of this song. And it reminded me of my old fave commercial (about underwear. Haha oh it was funny). And in the picture, I look like a complete idiot, cuz you had me laughing… thanks for that. Hahahahaha ;) But ya, so now every time I hear this song, I’m reminded of that great day. So that I can thank you for all the way! :)


‘You Don’t Know My Name” – Alicia Keys

Well I think this one should be obvious. You don’t really know me, but I feel this very strong connection to you. :p Very pretty song, very true song that just had to go on here. (Ps. My name is Natasha Gilbert!)

“Be With You” – Mr. Big

Ok now some of this song doesn’t fit, like the very beginning… but the rest does! I know there are a MILLION girls that are prettier than I am and not as dorky either! And I’m just sitting here saying “listen, if you want someone who likes you for you, then I’m the one.” And if you think I’m just a kook then you’ll just put me out of your head, and that’s that. But ya, before I get too serious here, it’s a good song. I love it. I’m a 90’s kid. :) So “let me the be one to show you, I’m the one who wants to be with youuu” (oh and you better snap to this song. Its more fun if you snap!)

“When I See You Smile” – Bad English

Oh sigh. :) I love this song. It’s a great dorky 80’s love song. But like all dorky love songs, its like really true. I love your smile. When you smile, it could light up the whole universe! And lately, you haven’t been smiling as much, and that breaks my heart. So please, smile more. And enjoy this lovely dorky love song too. Get a lighter out that should set the mood!”

“Don’t Go Loving On Nobody But Me” – Blake Shelton

:) I love Blake Shelton, he sings a good love song. This song I’d like to think is TRUE TRUE TRUE… I believe that I could take really good care of you, Zac.

“Sitting On Go” – Bryan White

hehe another country song and another dorky song from the 90’s. Do you remember Bryan White? Well, he had some fun songs back in the day. This is one of them. “oooh whenever you’re ready, I could be yours in a second or so. Ooh baby come and get me, my heart’s sitting on go.” :) I like the lyrics to it, dorky, but yet again, true.

“I’m Gonna Make You Love Me” - Temptations Ft/ Diana Ross

do do do! :) Am I winning your heart yet? Cuz this was my original plan. :)

If not, well crap. Keep listening… Because if Motown can’t win your heart, then I surely do not know how! It wins my heart for sure. God, I love Motown.


“Lean on Me” –Bill Withers

Now, this here is one of my all time favorite songs. It’s just timeless! And yet again, SO TRUE. So if you ever need someone call me. 620-804-2949 and I’ll be there for ya. It’s hard to find true friends in this world, and you might not believe it, but I would never do you wrong. I’m a good true friend. Friends are so hard to come by and I appreciate all of mine. So lean on me. :)

“You Belong With Me” – Taylor Swift

Well I think this one is obvious. Not all the lyrics fit, but the general idea is what I’m trying to pass along. I’m not at all glamorous and fancy. I’m very much a homebody that live in jeans and a t-shirt but you know, glitz isn’t everything. I think you would know that more than anyone.

I’d like to take a mere second to say, I sure hope you are ok. You just look so down lately, and I’m not sure what’s wrong with you, but I hope you’re ok. I don’t like when you’re sad. Breaks my heart. Ok serious moment over… enjoy the song now!

“I Knew You Were Waiting For Me” – George Michael ft/ Aretha Franklin

Aah yes, great song here. Now this song, you could almost dedicate to me. Haha Cuz here I sit, waiting for you. So maybe this song, explains our future. Haha Maybe I can see the future!!! Ooh that’d be nice. ;) Either way, I love this song. Sure, its dorky, but I would expect nothing more from myself.


“If I Were Your Woman” – Gladys Knight and the Pips

Ok, you’ve reached the most serious song on the cd. This is 100,000,000,000% the truest song I’ve dedicated to you. I could get all sappy on you and explain why, but I’ll let you just listen to Gladys. She says it better than I could. Gosh, I can’t explain how true this song is for me.

“Here” – Rascal Flatts

Oh man, this song pulls at my heart. This is the song that makes me think of you all the time I hear it. And when you listen you’ll be like “uhh why, woman? We’re not together.” Yes, I know this. But, however, if we ever are together, this is exactly what I’ll be singing! Now, I’m not trying to sound ungrateful, but you weren’t the person I thought I’d fall for, and it’s not always easy when everything says to move on, but your heart won’t let you. But however, I believe that you are worth it. You’re one of those people that are worth the fight. Worth the tears. In just the off chance that one day I could be near you, be someone important to you, is enough for me. I’ll keep hoping. Blind dumb hope while the whole world tells me I’m a complete fool. Maybe so, but it could end up being so very worth it. I’ll take my chances. :)

Friday, October 23, 2009

Never Leave

Never Leave

I'm teetering on the edge of life and death
One push and I will be over the edge
Some days I know I should walk away
Because you're killing me
but without you, I won't make it
Don't ever take your love away
I need your kiss on my lips
Hold me, I'm alone without you
The warmth of you, gets me through the day
I can feel you so close, skin to skin
Let me hold your face in my hands
So beautiful.
Your heart so beautiful
Love, I love you. I love you loving me
I can't live without you
Take me where you are
Can't be anywhere but where you are
Closing my eyes, I see you so clearly
I'm so glad you're mine. All mine

You make it all so beautiful
Every second so perfect. The sadness melts away
There's so much I want to say but I can't
You have taken my breath away
My heart might explode from this love.
Shaking inside. Shaking outside.
I never want it to end
I wish you didn't doubt me
My feelings are so deep
I told you forever and forever I mean
I'll always be here for you, if you want me
Please, want me always
The world without you and me, I can't even picture it
Don't want to picture it
You belong in my arms
Always in my arms
But the world is tricky
And I hold you, love you, kiss you
Can you feel it? I feel it
I know you do too
We have something that they can't take away
I know we can make it to the end
I'll fight for you, never give up on us
Something I think you might be the death of me
But I know better. You gave me more
Something to live for
I need you always
Please never leave
I won't make it if you leave

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Cancer, Rock n Roll, and Street Signs...

Well I have a lot to say for this first little blog about me on here.
First off, my Grandma found out a few months ago that she had breast cancer. And she's lost two sons to cancer, so it really scared me and I'm sure her too. Because my Daddy was one of those she lost, just last year. I was going to call her a hundred times but my phone was screwed up and didn't work 90% of the time for 2 months! And now sometimes it still messes up but I finally got to call her and talk to her. And she told me that she's not doing chemo or radiation, but just on a pill everday. Which is the BEST news, I'd say. She had them just remove the breast instead of the lump. She was like "oh what do i need that dead sagging thing for? I'm not having any more babies!"
haha She's too funny and seems to be handling it ok. That's good. I'd be a mess. I know it, after Daddy, eeks. It was weird enough just calling her, cuz the last few months of his life, he was living with her there. And so my heart kept wanting to ask how he was doing... :| that was weird/hard. bleh.

Alright, before i cry, next subject. I love music. All kinds of music. I just changed my major at college to music because i FINALLY found a school nearby that had music production as a major! It is not the school I am going to now, but I will transfer to it. I WILL!!! I have to. I just have to. It's where my heart is! I belongg with the music.
I just finished watching the movie Anvil, about the heavy metal band. I've never been a metal fan, and I wasn't even a fan of their music, but their story touched me. So many bands just like them in other genres, have so much trouble making a record, because people don't want to help them. Things just go wrong wrong wrong left and right. And its so wrong to me, that people who love music THAT much, would give up everything for it, seem to be having to give up music. But they won't! The world fights them and tries to push them DOWN, DOWN, DOWN but they say "no, i belong on a stage." and they won't quit. Its beautiful. So many people give up on their dreams and some just can't. I relate to the ones that can't. I'm not a quitter. But the thing is, seeing that, they finally got a door open when they got a producer. He helped them out so much. and I want to do that, be there for that struggling band that is at the end of its rope and say "lets do this and make a record" and put some hope back in their hearts. OH I want to do that!!!!! Music shouldn't be a struggle. its beautiful. Perfect. Wonderful, one of the best things on earth.
Sure, some things are worth the fight, definitely, but it shouldn't be that much of a fight!!!

ok last topic ( i could have just made 3 blogs hahaha) ... but I was driving home from school today, and it hit me. Life. Why do so many people have a hard time following God, believing He can guide you to where you're supposed to be? I mean, sure we all struggle following some rules (oh trust me, i'm struggling there hahahah) But even so, He forgives us and we can still be on the right path. But some people don't even think they can get on the right path, that God won't tell them.
And then I was thinking about how traffic, we have to have all these signs to stop, slow down, turn this way, turn that way or we'd all go bumping into each other like cattle or something. We're not very smart. haha Really, we're not. So we need signs to guide us. And its not just traffic, all kinds of things tell us where to go. And we follow cuz otherwise, we'll be a mess. I'd like to think God's the same way. If you're looking you'll see the signs. Will it literally say "TURN AROUND- WRONG WAY" haha no probably not... but maybe. I see signs often that remind me to keep hoping for things. I see signs that say "don't be so hard on yourself" . And the thing is, they are 99% of the time the same thing, a heart. The signs can be anything, but you have to be paying attention to what they are saying. you can usually feel it in your gut. Like an instinct telling you what you're supposed to hear. Tune in, folks. We all need direction, all the time. Don't let your pride say otherwise!!!!