Tuesday, November 24, 2009

So Selfish

For some reason, I cannot shake this selfishness. I'm liek "WHY WHY WHY" to God asking why things aren't moving the way I'd like for them to. And it's SO annoying because I wasn't like this a few months ago. I was happy and cheerful, looking to the future with hopeful eyes. Saying "its ok if it takes a little longer, its still coming"
i'm so annoyed as i write this, its like my heart's just been turned off. It has no say in anything. All I can hear is my stupid head that doesn't say anything smart at all. And I know I can't trust it. (your head is the biggest liar there is) But i can't hear anything else. Where's the 2nd opinion?
I feel ... like nothing except this stupid selfish. So its just "wah...me next please?"

I miss feeling grateful and excited. Even the days where I was sad, I felt like I had something to fight for. I feel sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo far away from my dreams that I can't see the hope. Why? Where did it go? VACATION!?!?!?

like you'd think I'd be sitting here frowing and grumbling, I'm not. I'm like "blah"... I feel almost nothing. Even though my head is just pouting and grumbling, you'd never see it on my face.
I've just come to the point where I don't care. And its so annoying. I think I brought it upon myself. Hearing all these songs about feeling numb and they'd rather feel pain. and i was like "OHH NO! I'd rather feel nothing"
hmmmm maybe i wouldn't. cuz its like you have no fight, no drive to do anything. you just really don't care.
I miss the hopeful person. it took her like 26 years to get here and then she's just snatched away from me in like a week. wtf. i am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO sick and tired of pouting. I hate it. I was finally getting to the point where life had meaning and now i'm like "..."
my head goes "what about me?"
my heart goes "................"
and its like I've been reading that boring ole book "The Purpose Driven Life" and i can't feel that either. All my hope is gone. I try to tell myself "don't trust your feelings" but i just don't care. pfft
i'm trying to get my feelings back, but they won't come. i just feel like a blown egg. a shell on the outside, no one can tell, that your just empty inside.
i hate feeling fake. and that's exactly what i feel like.

and then that stupid head of mine, won't shut up either. its like trying to make me sad, and somedays it works but not all. bleh
i'm shutting up now