Saturday, January 5, 2013

Have you ever FELT Jesus?

This post might be "controversial" to some... but whatever. I speak what's on my mind and heart all the time, really. I'm not good at hiding what I'm feeling. It's my worst weakness really. I'm too emotional of a person really. I hate it.

Ok.. well this whole blog has to go back to 2005. I was (and am) madly in love with a singer, Zac Hanson.  ya ya ya... that hanson... the mmmbop one. Well I had been crazy about him for years and then I met him and it got worse and worse. Because he's a great guy. He's funny and smart, even though he can't spell for anything, he's got this HUGE heart. He does what he can to make everyone feel special. It's quite adorable. It's actually almost impossible to not fall in love with him. If you've ever met him, you would know.  When I first met him in 2004, he was dating a girl named Kate. I seen her... she gave me a bad vibe, but there was nothing I could do about it, obviously. Well in 2005 he announced his engagement to her.
I was at work... then at the high school as a paraprofessional.  One of the students was like "hey didn't that hanson boy you like get engaged?" I laughed and was like "no... not that I know of!!" Then he showed me the article online. My heart fell to the floor.
Now... before you judge me and say I'm obsessed or say it's just some crush on a "celebrity"... don't. I can't explain to you what it's like. I love that man more than anything. i've sacrificed more in my life than I can even tell you, waiting for him. And not even that... because I loved him. I wanted to be ready at any time if God would ever change his mind, and he would just come to me. I can't even tell you how many times I've prayed about it. I'm sure God is quite sick of me talking about it, honestly.

But back to where I was... I found out he was engaged. I was at work... I wanted to pretend it was a joke. I wanted to curl in a ball and cry. I couldn't do either. I just had to keep going until I got home.

Well i got home later that day... and I put on my headphones to drown the world out, my favorite past time.  That particular day, I was stuck on "Ghost of You" by My Chemical Romance.
here's the chorus of the song, which i was particularly relating to.
At the end of the world or the last thing I see
You are never coming home 
Never coming home
Could I? 
Should I?
And all the things that you never ever told me
And all the smiles that are ever ever 

So I was there sitting in my room, crying as I'm listening to that song... dwelling in that pain, wishing with my whole life there was something I could do to change it. Not that I didn't want him happy. OH heavens no!!! Quite the opposite.. I was happy he had love... sad it wasn't with me. All I've ever wanted was for him to be happy. I was just torn in half about the entire situation ( And continue to be to this day... but worse).  This day I was 1/2 numb, 1/2 hurt. I've felt sadder in my life since that time... and before it. But I remember it so clearly, and recently I remembered it and started to wonder some things about it.

I was sitting there on my bed, headphones in my ears, knees bent up, crying... and  I could SEE and FEEL Jesus, like LITERALLY  Jesus, there with his arms around me. And as soon as I noticed it and was surprised and comforted at the same time, it was gone. Just like a flash.  After it was over.. I was sitting there kind of shocked for a moment.. Why then??? Ya, I was heart broken, but I've been worse. I've had sadder moments I figured he would have showed up for.. but nothing. I mean, I've had the warm feeling that comes over you and you just know is the Holy Spirit..... but I never SAW anything.  Not even when my Daddy passed away, and I assure you, I've never been as crushed as I was then. 

Onward though, I don't want to get talking about that.........Oh man... I  have to mention something else, I almost forgot.  During that year, I would get so hurt and tell God I was done with loving Zac, I couldn't handle it. It was too much. I wasn't cut out for it. Days I'd be crying on the floor. I'd be ripping any pictures I had of him up and throwing them away, bawling as I did it. I just couldn't deal with it. I couldn't love him as much as I did, if I was never gonna have my shot. And I prayed and I prayed and I prayed. And every time I prayed, I would get the same verse.. ."Anything is possible, if you believe" and it would renew me for a small amount and then I'd break down again and hear it again. But one time I was done. BEYOND done. I was bawling and praying and I told God, as heartfelt as I could, that if I couldn't have him, I'd be ok with it. I just wanted him happy. But if there was hope for us, I NEEDED to know. I couldn't live without knowing. I had to know for sure. Because if there was hope, I needed to see it. But if I was living a lie and dreaming of something false, then I wanted to know. I always try to be 100% honest with myself. 
And I heard something. I don't even remember the exact words... but it said we would be together. And so I tried to believe. 
 in 2006, not long after hearing that word,  he was married to her. I was at work the day it happened. I did break down and had to go home, I couldn't hide it. I cried all night and part of the next day. I was forcing myself to not cry for quite some after that. I didn't understand how you can hear a word from God and then he's married. When you read over and over God doesn't like divorce. I was so confused. I thought it was over. I tried giving him up. 
Those were some of the hardest times, it's making me cry just thinking about them. All the music in the world, my favorite thing, felt empty. He was in every song on every channel.  All the beautiful things just felt like the world was gloating without me. Any time I was alone, even if it was for a few minutes, I'd start to cry. And have to slap myself to stop. I HATE crying. You have no idea. I hate hate hateeee it.  I'm not gonna go into much more detail.... except the fact that it's now 2013, and new years are the worst. You try to be hopeful that the new year will be different than all the past ones. but they usually aren't. And it means to me, that another year went by, when he's still with her and i KNOW in my soul, he's unhappy...... and I can't fix it. I can't do anything except sit here and wait. It EATS my heart alive somedays... I can't even tell you.  Until you've loved someone with every ounce of your being for 15 years.... you'll never know... 
But my whole point of this rambling emotional blog.... is that recently I was thinking the other day... as I'm trying to stay hopeful and positive... WHY on earth when I'm more miserable now than I was then, after watching him be married for 6 years and have 2 kids? Knowing that if their marriage has fallen apart (he never talks about their marriage), he wouldn't leave anyway, because he's such a family man, he'd never leave those kids.... 
but I try and try to see the hope and hold onto the word I got when it looks beyond hopeless.  The point is.... I was thinking, maybe Jesus didn't come then because I was sad..... but because he knew the road ahead of me was so long and hard to bare.  He knew 8 years from then I'd be sitting on my bed crying writing this stupid blog, the wound in my heart as fresh as the day it was cut open.? It's the only thing that makes sense really. 

And yes, I'm sorry this is so long. I've just been trying to focus on other stuff for weeks now... and it all just came pouring out of me tonight. damnit.  So I apologize for my emotional rambling. I'm a natural writer... i don't know how to shut up! It's a good/ bad habit I guess. 

I would like to hear if any of you have had personal experiences  with anything similar when you felt Jesus or the holy spirit when you were needing it... I'm very curious.  
Thanks if you read all that. sorry! 

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